Spring 2010, Volume 8

Poetry by Jeff Epley

Jim Cramer from Mad Money Has a Meltdown at Baskin-Robbins When the Counter Girl Tells Him They Are Fresh Out of Whirl of Change Ice Cream  

This is about Baskin-Robbins.  Baskin-Robbins! 
Whirl of Change is listed right there. 

Forget Straight Talk Crunch.  Baskin-Robbins
needs to open the ice cream window.  That’s how

bad things are.  You have no idea how bad things
are out there.  No idea!  None!  Baskin-Robbins

needs to focus on this.  You need to open the ice
cream window.  Open the window!  Cut Chocolate Mint. 

Cut it!  Cut Chocolate Cookie Dough!  Look,
in the last 24 hours, I have talked to the head

of your firm.  I assure you, this is not supposed
to happen.  My people have been in this game

for 25 years, and they are losing their jobs! 
And these firms are going out of business.  Are you nuts? 

Nuts!  You know nothing!  Baskin-Robbins is a shame. 
It’s shameful!  You can’t get Whirl of Change

at Häagen-Dazs.  I haven’t seen it like this since
I took a hit on half a million shares of City Group

in 1990. This is a different kind of market! 
And you’re asleep!  You can’t get darn Whirl of Change

at Ben & Jerry’s! This is Armageddon!  Armageddon! 
Are you going to come on my show and tell the truth?  

Will somebody come on TV and tell the truth about
how bad this is?!  I know we have thousands of people

losing their homes right now.  This is crazy!  What does
that have to do with Whirl of Change ice cream? 

I’m sorry to be upset about it, but you have to understand
what they’re saying to me off the record before I come

in here every day.  And what I hear from these blowhard
managers who act like . . . .  Call someone for heavens

sake!  Go call someone!  I worked fixed income at Goldman
Sachs!  This is not the time to be complacent!  I mean darn,

sometimes, I wish I didn’t know anyone, so I could
stand here and just say, you know what, I’ll go buy

some Cherry Garcia and take that yield.  Unfortunately,
I know too many people, and I’m too damn old!


BIO: Jeff Epley’s poetry has appeared in The Louisiana Review, Verdad, RipRap, and Pearl, among others, and has been anthologized in Incidental Buildings & Accidental Beauty: An Anthology of Orange County/Long Beach Poets. From 1997 to 2002, he edited Bender Magazine, which has been archived at SUNY Buffalo Special Collections and CSU Long Beach Special Collections. He teaches at Long Beach City College and lives in Long Beach, California with his wife, Marcelle, and his two dogs, Jackson and Roxy.